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On Being Different...

It took me a whole night of thinking to realize that, in our lives, we have choices. Every state we reach is a result of a choice we make; of an opportunity we either seize or let go of. And looking back at the almost 24 years of my life, it seems that all the choices I have made were wrong. The older I get and the wiser I think I am, the more I depend on emotions in making my decisions. Everytime I get to this stage I sit down and think; yes, I think really hard, and I always promise myself that next time I would put a lot more rationale into my actions. Yet, when I get the chance to fix my life I always end up acting like the 15-year-old girl I was once; the girl who had just left home for college and was set free for the first time in her life.

Just the other day I had reached the mountain top for the very first time; I had reached the stage where I had actually gotten over my fears and was able to stand up on my own and prove my independence to the whole world. I knew I was making my parents proud of their little first child whose birth had made my father genuinely happy for the very first time in his life. And just a little more to the mother who was always complaining about me inheriting every little detail from my father, not forgetting to mention his attachment to a few bad habits.
Yes, I still was making them proud, only it was from the outside. Deep inside I was still shattered, still confused and hanging on to the thinnest line that kept me in touch with God.

Just the other day I was fighting to get over the broken me, learning to forgive all those that had hurt me and caused my insecurities. I forgave my parents for their overprotection and how it had turned me into an introvert; a social shyster. I forgave the guys whom I thought I loved but ended up having my heart shattered into a million pieces, over and over again. I forgave the society that deliberately judged me for trying to be who I am. But most importantly, I forgave myself for making the wrong choices, promising I would make rational decisions the very next time. I truly believed that inner peace would only be realized once I had forgiven everyone, including myself.

When it comes to fate, we don't have much of a choice, but then again we always have the choice of either facing it or trying to fool ourselves by paving a picture perfect way around it; I always chose the latter. And the moment I see happiness I become disillusioned and hang on to it emotionally, not stopping for a moment to think about the consequences. The fact is, happiness doesn't always choose to come my way, and behind that cheerful optimist who appeared to be the happiest gal on this earth, reality did not expose the helpless and scared person I was inside.

I know people who seem to be cold-hearted. To me they are heroes. Not only do they have the ability to stand strong against every emotional windblow, but they are also capable of controlling their feelings and nothing is able to deviate their pursuit for happiness. I am different.

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