I just turned 26. A year ago I used to shun every possible family conversation that would end in the question "don't you think it's time you got married?" It was mostly my mother and grandmother who would deliberately open the subject in my every presence at family gatherings, grousing about me getting older and musing over stories of family and friends who were my age and had started their own families - some who have even had a child or two! I used to give them that cold look of mine and tell them I'm too busy building a career and that I still haven't found Mr. Perfect. That, I used to truly believe in.
Even with my colleagues and friends getting engaged and married, I still had a firm belief in my fairytale that was going to arrive sometime soon. The feeling of me wanting to get married had never crossed my mind. At weddings, I would never even bother to line up for the toss of the bridal bouquet. There was always ample time for me to wait for my prince charming, I would think.
*****
Six months ago things started to change. I flew away for my best friend's wedding. I seriously couldn't believe that it would be her turn. I was more than glad to help out planning the wedding and was concerned about perfecting every trivial detail at the wedding party. Still, that did not instigate any sentiment inside me. Not for a moment did I want to be in her place, in that beautiful gown and starting a completely new life with her love of all time. For one, I still hadn't found the love of my life. More importantly, I was still waiting for my magical tale.
The week before the wedding was hilarious. I was staying at the bride's place, and so were a dozen of her relatives who had flown in for the wedding. Every morning we'd gather for breakfast and the morning Turkish coffee, and the ladies would all ask me when I'd get married. I would just giggle and say 'soon,' not trying to offend them with my usual cold reply. My aunt and grandmother thought it was a good idea to bring up the topic at the wedding, but to no avail! Again, it was a giggle and a 'soon' before I was off searching for an imperfect detail at the party to perfect.
The day after the wedding was when I felt a little uncomfortable. Now that the last of my best friends from school had gotten married, she was going to turn into the grown-up person they all had turned into, leading a lacklustre life that I didn’t feel belonging to. Was it really my turn now? Now that all my friends had gotten married or engaged, there was no one I could think of being next but me. But that really wasn't the reason. I had become the only uncommitted person I know.
Still, I didn't feel that strong about marriage. Married? No way! Not me. But everyone else is...
I couldn't picture myself married - let alone being married to someone other than my imaginary prince charming who was still lost out there.
Married? No way! Not me.
But everyone else is...
Will it happen to me someday? Will I find myself giving in to those seemingly ridiculous thoughts? It felt as though I was beginning – just beginning – to believe in the ‘impossible.’ It was just a fleeting moment of insanity, I thought, as I shook myself back to my senses.
It was during those days that someone was trying to get close to me. It was nothing more than a friend missing my presence back home and finding the most inane of excuses to call me everyday - the silliest being to share the news of his dog menstruating while I was busy getting a pedicure 3 hours before the wedding party! Once his intentions had become clear, I found myself slamming the door in his face before I could allow my mind to consider him as a possibility.
*****
I flew back home and the matrimonial epidemic was spreading like wildfire. A couple of months later I was invited to a friend’s wedding. Again, she was one of the last people I expected would marry any time soon. Were there too many weddings taking place now, or was it just my mind being too conscious of the matter? I spent the entire evening socialising with my single acquaintances and trying to be my usual self. Later that night, I lay awake wondering why on earth I was feeling disconcerted. I was experiencing a slight change of heart, yet there was no commonsensical explanation to it. This state of unhinged emotions had no place or reason to exist.
I was still waiting for my fairytale to happen. Married? No way! Not me. But everyone else is...
And then came my birthday. I was out celebrating with my sisters and some close friends. I got a call from a friend who couldn't make it to the jamboree - a humble gathering by the Nile that was ruined by a World Cup match. She had called to wish me a happy birthday and announce her engagement! I couldn't believe it. The epidemic had gotten to her! I was happy for her and somehow annoyed at my status. I made sure I announce the news immediately to all the attendees, closely studying the reaction of my very few single friends, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was trying to find out if I was the only person annoyed by that status. But everyone else seemed alright. I wasn't anywhere near that stage. But everyone else is...
Engaged? No way! Not me. But everyone else is...
Then I heard about my other friend getting engaged and throwing a big party in celebration. That was it. I was officially turning into someone else; someone who for the very first time was considering a change of heart towards the thought of commitment. But how? My prince charming hadn’t arrived yet! Now that my sentiments had changed I realised that it wasn't about the person as much as it was about the idea. I had never in my life let someone in too close. Consequently, I never allowed myself to feel so comfortable around someone or contemplate the thought of wanting to spend the rest of my life with that person. I realised that I never truly did understand the reality of prince charming and the fairytale dream.
Was it time for me to let my guard down? Was I still trying to fight that sentiment that had conquered my thoughts for days and nights? Married? No way! Not me. But everyone else is...
For weeks to come I was occupied with the idea of marriage. I seriously didn't understand why. I kept that feeling a secret. But whenever I was out with friends or family and someone would ask when they'd be hearing some happy news about me, I would feel disappointed. Mostly at the nebulous and extraneous replies I'd give. Maybe I was just pulling the wool over their eyes, maybe even my own. In a matter of days things had entirely changed. I never again spoke of my waiting for Mr. Perfect or about my career.
Over the next few days, I found myself engaging in conversations new to me, mostly with friends and colleagues who were affianced. I was actually enjoying those conversations and the plentiful time I spent in this reverie.
In spite of this, the thought of being committed still haunted me a tad. Married? No way! Not me. But everyone else is...
*****
And then something eerie happened. I was lying in bed, insomniac, and decided to get up and fetch my laptop to kill some time. I connected to the internet and unconsciously found myself googling ‘engagement traditions and practices.’ It didn’t stop there. Minutes later I was searching for images of ‘wedding and engagement bands!’ I was in utmost disbelief. ‘This couldn’t be happening,’ was I all I could think. Why on earth was I interested in all this? Yes, I was beginning to reconsider the issue of commitment but not to that extent. This was completely far-fetched. When my sister walked into my room I shamefully minimised the browser and pretended to clean my desktop.
Not only was I beginning to be fond of the words committed, engaged and married, I was also contemplating the idea itself. I may not be wholeheartedly ready for it, but for the very first time I welcomed the idea, and fancied it dearly.
I was now in a flight of fancy, dreaming about being with my love of all time and the picture perfect life we would build together. In my mind’s eye I could see a dazzling gown, a scintillating fairytale celebration of a lifetime and a beautiful and warm home to harbour this love...
Married? Why not! Yes, me.
But not just because everyone else is...
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